haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
