i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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