And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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