Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
