Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
