I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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