here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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