I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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