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god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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