I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
