Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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