Can Purell be used as lube?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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