Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Randomize
