I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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