Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
