Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
