I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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