I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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