Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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