first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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