People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
