I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
