Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
