Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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