Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
