Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
