im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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