Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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