and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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