i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
