dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
