Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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