WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
