you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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