I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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