My hand turned me down
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
