So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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