I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
