Will you blow on my dice?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
