i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
