Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize