I wish my penis had an off switch
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
