I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
this hospital has no fireball
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
