I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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