every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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