I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
