This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
