someone threw a dead crab at me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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