I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We are all done wearing pants today
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
