I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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