she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
