Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
