She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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