I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I can't turn off my feet"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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