I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
