Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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