Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
