Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
