i can't believe i had my finger in that
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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