well I can't set my house on fire every night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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